goldenpig

69 Comments

• rae replied 11 years ago

  Hard for me to relate to this one because of where I live and my childless lifestyle, but I sympathize. I don't think the other woman was *trying* to be mean, but I would also have been hurt by her comment. If you follow the logic, she said you=snazzy=overrated - I don't want to be called overrated!

  But still, the other ladies were talking to you, so I think they were not intimidated and this one just has a case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. Being extra friendly and complimenting the quality of the workout gear might make them see that you are totally approachable and not secretly looking down on their un-trendy looks (I imagine that is the fear, since cattiness is unfortunately prevalent among women).

• nycbeck replied 11 years ago

  I applaud you for taking the time and energy necessary to present a polished and attractive image to others. Living in NYC it is always amazing to me how many people dress so sloppily and totally inappropriately for city living. Today, I saw a young mother of 3 wearing shorts that looked spray painted to her body with a poorly fitted T-shirt and bra outlined underneath.
  Let's start a revolution (with Angie's help!) and groom and dress ourselves in a way that will add to the beauty of the world.

• Kim replied 11 years ago

  When someone dresses in athletic gear as clothing they see that as their norm. Anything else would require a lot of thought and money and perhaps they are not willing to do that at this point in their lives. I remember being a young mom, I didn't really care what I wore as long as it was conservative, and (mostly) clean! LOL I wore *no* makeup, I simply didn't have the time to spend investing in finding that stuff out. I really thought that fashion was an "artistic" type endeavor and since I wasn't artistic I couldn't *possibly* put together amazing outfits like those that I admired.

  Imagine my surprise when What Not To Wear came along and I found out there were RULES!!! I was in heaven. I am a logical analytical type person and RULES appeal to me! I can do rules an I love them! LOL

  Now I've moved beyond RULES and am having fun with fashion but this has all only occurred in the past 5 years, and I AM 50!

  Don't take it to heart. She probably thinks you have amazing style, but she couldn't possibly figure out how to do the same so she just gives up and wears gear....(Wait til she finds out there are rules...LOL)

• Transcona Shannon replied 11 years ago

  What is with some people??? I would have felt insulted too Natalie. Perhaps she felt uncomfortable with how SHE looked and therefore projected that onto you. I wouldn't change how you dress to accommodate someone else's insecurities. Just be friendly, pay a compliment here and there and they will realize they have nothing to fear from you.

• MsMary replied 11 years ago

  Good grief. That comment was unspeakably rude! I'd have been speechless, and I am rarely speechless!

  Don't know what to say about dressing to fit in. I was always one of the very few working moms in the parking lot so I rarely fit in stylewise, but I don't think that hurt my son's social life much, if at all.

• Vildy replied 11 years ago

  Compliments on looking snazzy! I think there's no other explanation than the yoga mom was being judgmental. If the other moms were okay with you - casual - then dress however you want. Yoga Mom isn't going to like you right away, anyway. Though in time you may find each other's good points.

  I'm very interested in Daniel Miller, the anthropologist's, work on the ordinariness of denim. That people struggle to be ordinary because sometimes it's important to fit in.
  And denim, according to him and his research/theories, has lost all its connotations and means pretty much nothing so it's like having a non-descript bottom half. (he obviously studies clothing but must not peruse fashion forums where people parse denim :) ). My takeaway is that it's easier in the beginning with a new crowd to show up in something they relate to.

  I've read his books and I think this is the podcast I listened to today on denim and psychological comfort
  http://www.religionandsociety......iel_miller

• Suz replied 11 years ago

  Ugh. I'd have felt hurt, too, Natalie. That was a catty remark. Even if it arose from her own insecurity, it wasn't friendly.

  If it were me, I wouldn't change my way of dressing. But I'd make sure to be super friendly. And I might say something like: "Fashion has become a sort of hobby of mine over the last year. I find it sort of fun and relaxing..not the most important thing in the world by any means, but a way for me to unwind and enjoy myself."

  That kind of comment might put her a bit at ease and remind her that just because you look good, it's not ALL ABOUT HER!!!

• Echo replied 11 years ago

  Her comment was was less of a dig at you than it was a cover for her own insecurity and lack of fashion. Other people often feel inadequate when faced with someone who they know looks better than they do, and she was trying to justify why she wasn't dressed well. As for being a social handicap, I would hope it wouldn't be, although establishing a connection may take a little longer because people might at first assume things about you that aren't true. But once they realize that you are kind and a great person - and once they see your more casual MOTG looks - they will realize that you are just like they are. You are just dressed nicer for work.

  I'm not sure I'd compliment their workout or casual clothes, though. That might just draw more attention to the difference in how they are dressed compared to you and make the compliment seem insincere. I am guessing that once they talk to you they will realize that you are a great person, and next time someone makes a comment about your outfit you can brush it off and say you are dressed for work. Never apologize for how well you are dressed, of course, but deflecting attention away from yourself and your outfit will help them focus on it less.

• Fruitful replied 11 years ago

  Wow, I'm absent from the forum for a while, pop back for a brief lurk and Vildy mentions Daniel Miller! ♥ I had to log in to thank you for that. *happy place*

  And GP, it sounds like she was a little confronted and one of those people who speaks before their brain kicks in. There's always someone like that around, it's more about her than you x

• DonnaF replied 11 years ago

  I was rendered speechless (typeless?) when I read this. That mom really knew how to tap into your insecurities. But really, would you want to dress in clothing that made you feel less than fab? It is always easier to think of comebacks after the fact, but I suppose you might have said something along the lines of, "What would I do without H&M to keep me snazzy without too much effort!"

  You are 100% fab as you are; love your style.

• Diana replied 11 years ago

  My gut feeling is that she said that because she is insecure and/or sour grapes. Still, I think it was rather rude and I would have felt hurt too!

  I think if you continue to show up as you are and are friendly/nice to these ladies, it will soon become a non-issue. She'll get used to seeing you in your "snazzy" clothes and hopefully will find out that you are approachable and friendly regardless of how you dress.

  I definitely stick out from my environmental norm because of my style and interest in fashion. Not only do I work in a lab, it is mostly full of men who really don't get fashion. (The lab next door is full of women - they are not very fashionable but at least they compliment me on my fashion!) However, by this point, everyone is used to me and nobody even notices any more. In fact, when we had a recent lab clean up day and I showed up in ratty jeans and sneakers, someone commented that it was the first time they had ever seen me in sneakers!

  In the scientific/academic world, it could even be seen as a bad career move to be too "snazzy" since it's sort of associated with being shallow or not caring enough about big, important, sciency things. Which is bulls***, of course, and I refuse to buy into it by toning down my style.

• replied 11 years ago

  I say be a visual feast, Natalie! You are a treat for the eyes. No need to hide your light under a barrel.

  This story reminds me of this quotation (I have removed some religious references, but you can Google the full quote if you are interested):

  “We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? . . . . Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. . . . . And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
  ― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love

• Victoria replied 11 years ago

  I can relate to this. For years, I would always dress "nice" no matter where I was going. Actually, I used to be worse because I never even owned a pair of jeans until 4-5 years ago. I have gotten simular comments from other women and I just ignore it. As Echo pointed out, its their insecurity talking. I will never dress so I can "blend in", I wear what I like and believe me I do stand out where I live but I don't care. And neither should you. I have dear friends who know me and who know that I am not some superficial snob because I dress the way I do(and I have been accused of that before too)

• Kari replied 11 years ago

  OK, just to me, that sounds like a rather defensive backhanded compliment, and I've been the recipient of those. Like, "You look great! But I'm a [mom, hardworking professional, etc.] and I don't have time to look like that." It *is* kind of back-handed even if it isn't intentional, implying that your looking good means that you take up a lot of time that could be spent doing something more worthwhile.

  Anyway, I'd shrug it off.

  I'm always torn about how to respond because I've tried to respond more graciously to compliments (back-handed or no) without being self-deprecating. A response I've been trying on for size in response to this kind of back-handed compliment to genuinely say thank you, but say "You know, honestly, these days I find patterned dresses to be the easiest thing to wear because I don't have to think very hard about what to pair them with; right now, it's the best way that I can get dressed quickly."

• catgirl replied 11 years ago

  What is th root of the word snazzy anyway?

  I would have said something irredeemable and inexcusable like "My patients prefer that I not look like I'm running out to yoga between procedures."

  Honestly, If she is a SAHM she was dressed fine for her job, as you were for yours. I don't get the judging.

  I'm out at my cabin and spent an afternoon walking around in my "fancy" studded Danskos. I got a couple of looks but guess what? Turned out a friend was here renewing her wedding vows and asked us to stop by the retreat house for their party, and I was able to clean up and look nice for it. So there! I can still start a campfire and chop wood and gut a fish.

  You do what you want and take joy in it.

• Kari replied 11 years ago

  Also, another thought that your thread brought up - for years, once I started dressing up more, I struggled with still having young and approachable style, rather than looking like I was "too fancy" or fussy. I would receive a lot of comments from family members or co-workers that I was "so dressed up" because I was wearing a knit skirt or dress instead of jeans. And if I wore a woven piece or a blazer, I was "REALLY dressed up!"
  I think that what has worked for me is to add an element of playfulness into my style. Pairing bright colors and mixing patterns, wearing something that felt fun and fresh to me, and made me feel confident. Trying out new trends once in a while, even. I still receive comments on my style, but the compliments seem to be more genuine, and either my family has adjusted to my "dressiness" or else the outfits I'm wearing now are more in tune with my personality. It took years of practice but for now, I'm happy with the place that my style has evolved to.
  There's also an element of my striving to be outgoing and approachable in person, too. I'm very wordy (no, really?) and my articulation is very precise when I'm speaking out loud; I can be "read" as being very formal when someone first meets me. I'm also naturally shy, and that can be misinterpreted as being snooty or aloof, especially when I'm more dressed up than other people that I'm hanging out with.
  So I try to force myself out of my shell and be extra gregarious, making sure to introduce myself to people right away, asking them questions about themselves and trying to let THEM talk and open up... and it actually works both ways, because once the conversation starts, I relax and stop feeling so shy. I've had people assume that I was an outgoing extrovert a few times in the past few years, which was the funniest thing I've heard in a while!

• Angie replied 11 years ago

  Just chiming to say that snazzy rocks - just like your style, Natalie :)

• Isabel replied 11 years ago

  huh ? "snazzy is overrated" ? That is like saying that decency is overrated. Pay no attention, Natalie. I find that people say stuff like that when they somehow feel self conscious or insecure.

  We live in a super casual world. That is the reality unfortunately. So to answer your question, I believe that being "fashionable" and well dressed is a form of respect and decency. And if that is how you define how you put yourself forth to the world than that is what counts.

• ironkurtin replied 11 years ago

  Goodness, Natalie, what makes you think that dressing nicely would make your daughter friendless? It's been my experience with kiddo playgroups that dress has nothing to do with it. So one mom said something weird. There's one in every crowd. Assume positive intent, smile big, rock your style, and let things evolve naturally. It will all be OK.

• Jaime replied 11 years ago

  That woman's remark was rude and it is understandable that it bothers you. It does sound it comes from insecurity, as most comments like that do, but it was still not appropriate at all. That being said, I think you do look snazzy! As in stylish, put together and attractive, not any negative connotation. But, and this is more important, based on my experience with two 7 year old girls, your daughter is now at the age where she will probably start making her own friends and pushing for her own playdates. This takes a lot of pressure off, or at least it did for me.
  (Vildy thanks for the link - looks good!)

• Kristine replied 11 years ago

  "Snazzy is overrated" sounds kind of funny, like maybe she was just poking fun at herself a little for being in yoga pants. I don't think it was personal. After all, she agreed that you looked cute and dressed nicely. I definitely wouldn't change or downplay your style!

• christy replied 11 years ago

  Ah, what a silly thing for her to say! Perhaps she didn't realize that you were dressed to go to work? In any case, don't let it get to you - it's just not worth it. And don't let it influence the way you dress - ESPECIALLY when you are going to work. As she gets to know you a bit better and realizes that you are work-outside-the-home mom, perhaps she'll think differently and maybe even come around to appreciating your fun style. Not much you can do about it in any case! For now, keep working on your MOTG style so you can be true to yourself but still feel appropriately dressed for more casual events.

• Isabel replied 11 years ago

  GP, I was just thinking : you know what a real turnoff is ? Someone who is slovenly and doesn't care ( not someone who is ill or depressed ) and someone who is rude.

  If you show up in a ball gown and are kind, then it is never overrated, IMO.

• Deborah replied 11 years ago

  Snazzy is such a funny word and a bit outdated in this part of the world lol.

  Natalie I have similar challenges with the school mums. Because I am on my way to work I generally drop of Master 9 and keep going, so no time to chat with other mums, do morning coffee etc. For me I have noted that I tend to connect better (generally speaking) with other working mums, possibly because our lifestyles are similar? At school pickup I will receive comments like 'you always look so smart, etc' which is lovely but it's very surface conversation and it can be hard to get past that.

  I find often when a woman makes a comment such as this mum did, it signified some self esteem issues. I would encourage you to continue to be warm and friendly, dress how you like and in time relationships will grow. And remember we don't connect or click with everyone. Just let it go and keep being you.

• Aida replied 11 years ago

  Well I'm no help here. The teacher in me wants to say something similar to what Kari is toying with as a response. And the punk in me wants to turn around and say "No YOU"RE overrated". Either way you have my sympathy, it's always tough to dress outside the norm. But being your sweet, open self will win over the skeptics because they'll very quickly realize that you're just that :)

• Vicki replied 11 years ago

  First off, I think you look fabulous in your $15 H&M pants and I, too, dislike the word "snazzy," because it just sounds clueless, especially in this context. That was an offensive remark and I would simply let it go knowing the woman might not know how to dress fashionably or even care at this point in her life. Just continue to be your friendly self and she may get more comfortable.

  Like Rae, I don't have children or experience with MOTGs in any kind of group social setting. Don't change who you are, Natalie, or what you like. Be true to yourself and know that you do have your children in common and can start conversations from there. Perhaps, at some point, you can share how you "find fashionable deals" and she and the others may want to talk about it.

• Isis replied 11 years ago

  One mom was enchanted with what you wore; one wasn't.

  There's no reason to expect that you'll be friends with EVERY mom, and I'm sure your daughter will find friends!

  Stay true to yourself. You'll find your niche and so will your daughter!

• Laurenlaurielala replied 11 years ago

  What an interesting discussion! I don't chime in often, but I love looking at what you wear, GP!

  We all make snap judgments based on appearance. I've read that we make decisions about whether or not we like a person in the first 7 seconds when we meet them. Our brains are so busy processing everything about a person that we can't even remember their names!

  I think it's better to be shy in these situations and not say anything snappy back, rather than say something you might regret. A gentle answer is always better.

  I love your happy pants!

  Incidentally, my dad uses the word snazzy when he is giving a compliment. The word makes me giggle.

• Aziraphale replied 11 years ago

  Oh yes, Natalie, yoga pants mom dissed you, all right. Sometimes people try to disguise their negative feelings as "compliments", and as "compliments" go, that one was pretty transparent.

  Not to worry, though. Yoga pants mom probably has no taste. (She certainly doesn't have a lot of class. Imagine telling someone, a person you hardly know, that you wouldn't dress like "that", because "that" is overrated? Sheesh). But there's not much you can do but smile and not care. Ignore the thinly veiled insult. Like water off a duck's back, right?

  BTW there's nothing wrong with women showing up all coiffed and manicured, and there's nothing wrong with showing up in LuLuLemon gear, either -- whatever floats your boat. As long as you leave the judgments and catty comments at home. ;-)

  For what it's worth, I think your floral H&M pants are cute.

  ETA and to answer your question, I dress how I like, give or take. I do try to at least somewhat fit in with the surroundings. For example, I don't wear four-inch heels to pick up my kids from school, no matter how fantastic I think they make my legs look, LOL.

• modgrl replied 11 years ago

  It shouldn't impact your style that she is not motivated to get dressed up in the mornings. I agree, I would be pretty happy to hear that I was looking snazzy :)

• goldenpig replied 11 years ago

  Thanks to all of you for making me feel better! I will have to come back after the kids are in bed to respond to the comments in more detail but for now--thanks so much!

  Una, I had to look up the origin of snazzy after you asked. Here is what I found on the Merriam Webster dictionary:
  "conspicuously or flashily attractive : fancy <snazzy clothes> <fond of tooling around town in a snazzy car>"
  And from Wiktionary:
  "Unknown but perhaps a blend of snappy + jazzy, or from Irish snas (meaning polish, good appearance) [1]. The first documented use of the word was on 30 March 1901 on page 3 of the The Evening Post, Wellington, New Zealand. The Reference was to "'Snazzy,' otherwise G.H. Snazelle ." George H. Snazelle was a noted English vocalist, entertainer and actor who was born George Snazel in 1848, and who died in 1912. It is probable that the word was coined to refer to this stylish, well-traveled celebrity of the age."

  Vildy, thanks for the link--I will definitely check it out! Sounds fascinating!

  Dana and Shevia, yes I agree hopefully my daughter will make her own friends and it won't matter how I dress! She has already bonded with a couple of the girls and I am trying to get to know those moms better. But she's a bit of an introvert like me and often goes to the book corner to read so I want to encourage her to be more social by setting up some playdates. And since the parents are the ones deciding that, you have to get to know them and It's easier to get into the groups earlier before the cliques form. It's kind of tough for me because even if I have time to do dropoff (which I usually don't), I don't have time to linger and chat because I have to get to work. And I don't want first impressions of me to be negative ones because of the way I dress (if they think I'm overdressed). I don't think I will change how I dress necessarily, but like Christy suggested, I'll keep working on my approachable MOTG style! Oh and Elisabeth, I don't think there's anything wrong with being perfectly coiffed and groomed, but I can see how that could give the first impression of "she's high maintenance" and I definitely don't want to be thought of like that!

• Janet replied 11 years ago

  You know what's overrated? Laziness disguised as "comfort."

  Yoga mom probably didn't mean to be hurtful, but I can understand how it felt that way. Like Echo and some others said, it sounds like her own defensiveness for not looking like she put in any effort. Once again, the speaker's words say much more about themselves than about the person they're speaking of!

  You keep rocking your playful, totally approachable MOTG looks, Natalie.

• velvetychocolate replied 11 years ago

  What Alicat said - she's 100% right about this.

  Don't worry about any comments. Just let stuff like this roll right off your back.

  Speaking personally, even though I am not always dressed as fab as I'd like, I'm always thrilled when I see someone looking extra-gorgeous. Makes me happy, actually. It feels like a treat when I see someone looking fab.

  Don't change a thing goldenpig! Shine on :)

• RandomThoughts (Andrea) replied 11 years ago

  LOL, Aida, I am totally on board with your punk self! YES! That chick WAS overrated fo sho!

  Natalie, that gal was just a ding-a-ling. Maybe dressing up was over-rated for her: lots of effort but not enough pay off. That's totally cool. -For her.- For you, there is a better pay off: you love it! I also love what Alicat said: Don't hide your light under a barrel! You are wonderful.

  I am no help, really because A) I don't have kids so don't get the play date culture and B) I have always been one to rebel against force social norms. Maybe you just need a tattoo! ;-)

  PS - I love the word "snazzy". It makes me laugh just to say it.

• christieanne replied 11 years ago

  I would try to set up playdates with all the moms except yoga pants mom. It's really rude of her to assume you couldn't overhear her comment. I would bet the other mom was embarrassed

  You have to wear what is comfortable for you. We all have various "personas" and styles and occupations and then converge at places like schools, grocery stores, etc. Essentially, life gets in the way right? So the choice is to feel fab and have fun or be boring and non-nondescript I understand being somewhat socially shy (I am as well) but you will be less likely to be shy if you feel good about yourself.

  I love how you styled the floral pants this time around!

• Echo replied 11 years ago

  "What is th root of the word snazzy anyway?"

  Snazzy, of course, comes from the Snaz - characters from the Dr. Seuss story The Snaz and the Snooze. That story is also the origin of the expression, "You snooze, you lose." But in light of this, "snazzy" is the ultimate compliment.

  Okay, okay, so I like creating false etymologies.

  All that aside, I am rather fond of old-fashioned words, like those that might have been used in Dobie Gillis. Snazzy, swell, peachy, etc. I love it when people use unexpected words.

  But back on topic, if your DD is friends with a few girls already I 'd make a point of trying to casually talk to a few of the moms. Just mention something along the lines of, "Oh, DD mentioned how your DD showed her a trick on the monkey bars" or whatever your DD may have said. They may like the same book or have the same favourite colour or anything else that will give you the excuse to open a conversation. That will give you an excuse to approach some of the other moms and you might meet others who were standing nearby at the same time. If you have talked with that mom casually a few times, it will be easier to call her to arrange for the girls to play.

  Once you have made even one in-road with another mom, it becomes that much easier to get to know others. Just follow your DD's lead and talk to the moms of the girls she mentions as friends. In the end, most of the moms all want the same thing - for their child to be happy. How you dress is really a miniscule part of that if they know their DD likes to play with yours or if they know that you are friendly toward their them and their child. Very soon, people will see YOU and not your clothes, and the way you dress won't matter at all.

• Kyle replied 11 years ago

  My suggestion is to shrug it off and move on. She likes to dress down, you like to dress up. Both valid and OK. Her comment was snarky and not helpful. Heavy sigh. But you don't want to be her best friend, just pleasant for the sake of your daughter. Approachability is all about attitude. Please don't change who you are to make her feel more comfortable.

  This outfit is killer, Natalie. I love it and think it is perfect for you and your lifestyle. I wish I had been this chic and appropriate as a young mom. Walk tall!

• Amy replied 11 years ago

  I hope you're dressing for yourself and not worrying over what the other moms think. You'll easily make friends with the nice ladies. The catty ones aren't worth fretting over.

  Over the years, I've made friends with other moms who daily dressed in yoga pants and sneakers, some in boho attire from head to toe, others in suits...dress ultimately didn't matter as much as our shared interests in children and education.

  I don't care how nicely or poorly someone's dressed. If they can't be polite, I don't want to spend time with them and I wouldn't be too excited over my children spending time with theirs, since their primary role model's manners are so poor.

  Your style is not intimidating at all. It's pretty, professional and feminine, just like you. There are some styles that are meant to be aggressive, but I don't see you sporting lots of tattoos, leather jackets spiked with safety pins and piercings in lots of uncomfortable places. (And nothing's wrong with that either, but it's not what to wear if you want to be super approachable.)

• replied 11 years ago

  Would you dumb yourself down if she had made a snide remark about intelligence being overrated? Doubt it! your sense of style is no less a part of you than your brains. She made that comment for the reason many have already pointed out: as a self-conscious justification for her own appearance which SHE, not you, deemed inferior.

• Jenava replied 11 years ago

  Have not read the other responses yet, but my first instinct is this:

  You are WAY over reacting to this. Be Yourself. do what makes you comfortable and let the other moms do the same and you should have not problems whatsoever making relationships....honestly, it's only an issue if you make it one!

  ETA, I highly doubt at this early stage that any of these ladies are out to be snarky; any attempt to interpret their responses and such is probably unfair. YOU know you look fab....do any remarks by other matter in the least? They are prob just trying to make convo and dont' mean at all for you to take offense.

• ManidipaM replied 11 years ago

  There's already plenty of words of wisdom to soothe you by now, Natalie. I especially loved Alicat's quote (thank you, Alicat!).

  I'm going to offer a third perspective here: the shy daughter of the shy mother who dressed differently from the norm. No, my mother didn't manage to fit in --- at all, and ever! My 'friends' plain thought she was weird and said so, they probably thought *I* was weird too and certainly often lectured me on being shy or snooty, whatever they perceived --- thing is, we still ended up on playdates and I got invited over even though my mother for one hardly ever issued invitations herself! We just had enough in common simply going to school together, playing the same games and reading the same books. I remember being desperately glad of the acceptance at first, and also cringing at their lack of manners or thoughtfulness (as well as their mothers' --- naturally children learn somewhere!)... until as I grew older, I grew in confidence enough to be superficially friendly and nice while knowing they weren't my sort enough to be bosom buddies, and I found other friends whose values I was more in sync with.

  I still meet them sometimes, and marvel at their children in turn speaking like yoga mom did, or playing in a thoughtless or even downright destructive way that their mothers now dismiss as 'rough and tumble'. I'd not ideally want my children, if I had any, on playdates with those kids and would prefer to choose more polite peers and role models (in line with what Amy's saying). But at the same time, you know, kids choose their own friends --- even sometimes out of line with their own nature or upbringing, like I did. Mostly they outgrow them too. The time to worry is if your kids seem to be borrowing an 'unsuitable' playmates nature to try and fit in!

  As for you as the mom, I'd just keep on being you --- I may have been embarrassed at the way my mom stood apart for a few years, but ultimately I was awed and impressed that she stuck to *being herself*, no matter what. It's a surprisingly great way to model self-confidence, I promise. If you change to fit in, your daughter might well get the message that this is the right or acceptable thing to do --- for her as well. And it isn't --- she deserves to know she can grow into being her own person and be applauded and enjoyed for it!

• Kyle replied 11 years ago

  Interesting: http://www.hautedropoff.com

• Chrizzle replied 11 years ago

  I feel for you, Natalie/GP. I remember how weird and awkward it was to try to make friends with the other parents when my daughter started kindergarten, even though it was a small school that went out of its way to be a real community for the families. I loved looking around and seeing parents (that school was great at getting dads equally involved, so it wasn't just moms) in full goth regalia and colorful hair, in colorful robes and hijabs, in hippie/boho outfits, in crisp business suits, in cycling gear, in Birkenstocks, in high heels, in kippahs, in sleek preppy bobs, in waist-length dreadlocks. There was no worry about blending in or not, because the parents were all so different from each other. I thought surely I could find somebody in such a diverse group to be friends with, but it wasn't that easy at first. DD started 4th grade at a new school this past year, and I have had to go through the process of fitting in with the other parents all over again.

  I still remember the parent coffee hour on her first day of Kindergarten and feeling intimidated by the ones who looked more sophisticated than I. I've been a university administrator for most of my career, in settings that are very casual. The moms in more formal business wear all looked so much more dressed up than I ever have to be for my work. I remember one mom who looked so fabulous that I felt she would never have any interest in being friends with me.

  If I had found myself in such a conversation with her early on, I could totally have seen myself blurting out something as thoughtless as what that woman said to you, perhaps in an attempt at self-deprecating humor. Then I'd spend the rest of the school year kicking myself for having said such an idiotic thing, and being too embarrassed to ever look her in the eye again! Which of course, would only serve to confirm the initial impression of rudeness.

  So, basically I'm saying forgive Ms. UnSnazzy for that one thoughtless sentence, assume positive intentions, and don't carry a grudge against her. Keep being your stylish self and being open and friendly to everyone. She may eventually realize that you don't look down on others for wearing workout clothes or for being less stylish. You may find that she's really a very nice person when she's not feeling nervous or insecure. Or you may end up never getting along with that particular woman, but you will make friends with other people. These things have a way of working themselves out with time and familiarity.

• sarah replied 11 years ago

  I really like how Isis put it. You and your daughter will find your way at her new school, don't worry. And you have your profession and other moms have theirs, and the environmental norm is not the same for all of them.

  Try to just shrug it off and enjoy how snazzy you always look!

• Sona replied 11 years ago

  Natalie, Sal from already pretty wrote a great article on how to deal with for lack of another work another person's jealousy or passive aggressive words when you dress well. She gives practical pointers on how to deal with these situations:

  http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....lousy.html

• cjh replied 11 years ago

  I haven't read any of the other comments yet, but my first instinct is she was trying to defend her own choices instead of putting anyone else down. She probably feels more like herself in workout wear or plain and simple pieces, and either doesn't have interest in or time for other levels of fashion.

  I can relate because I have some same feelings about other issues, and could possibly (flippantly if not thinking) say things such as Super Landscaping is overrated, or Eating at Restaurants is overrated, etc. Just because of the choices I make to have a plainish yard, or eat at home 98% of the time even though it's more work.

  This doesn't mean I don't appreciate the beauty of highly designed and high maintenance yards - just that it isn't my thing and my time, money and efforts are expended on other interests.

  So to probably repeat what others have said, don't take it personally as directed to you. Most people won't say such a thing as a personal or derogatory comment before they even know a person, unless just expressing their own philosophy.

• texstyle replied 11 years ago

  I echo what Echo said "Her comment was was less of a dig at you than it was a cover for her own insecurity and lack of fashion." When you read good self esteem books they usually point out that nearly every person is MUCH more interested in themselves than in anything anyone else does, says, wears, thinks, etc.

• Irene replied 11 years ago

  It really depends on what the other people are used to wear, and you just can't control that. I've been asked 'why do you look so pretty today, ah? How come you are wearing a dress today, ah?' as if I was meeting up with Brad Pitt later on and that's because THEY only wear dresses on special occasions. And I know they mean it in a good way, as a compliment, so that's ok with me.

  You take extreme care of your appearance every day and pay attention to fashion because you like it and, as many other things, this is part of who you are. Changing that would be like changing other things about you you normally are comfortable with. Just try to seem approachable and fun, and do not judge nor sound like you are judging others for what they wear -I'm saying this because I am guilty of having done this.

  Another thing would be if your kids weren't dressed properly, or taken good care of. Or if your house was like a huge mess. Or if your bussiness/job didn't go so well. I do think that those things come before fashion. I remember when I was teaching 5 years old children a few years ago, there were these two perfect mommies with their perfect skinny jeans and matching boobs and bags, and oh so amazing hairstyles and hairdos. The children (two little girls) looked just as great. However, they lacked good manners, self-control and the ability to respect adults. They didn't behave propperly at all and were trouble in most classes while the other kids behaved way better. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with that, or maybe it did. But I always got the feeling that those two mothers were superficial and were spending more time on themselves than on their children, like when they were on the street after school the girls would run around while the mothers talked about THEIR things and without controlling what the girls were doing (with cars and random people around!!), and I didn't like that at all. Also, at the end of the year I took portraits of each kid -for an activity we were doing- and the two little girls show sad eyes in them, which is very sad, especially in children so young. I DO NOT think that's your case though, but just wanted to explore this issue :P

• Traci replied 11 years ago

  I'm thinking along the same lines as cjh. I think she was being snarky to the girl who called you "snazzy" in the first place and you were not her intended target. I'm thinking she may have thought the snazzy compliment to you was some sort of backhanded insult to her and felt the need to defend herself.

  I'm curious if these women at school and the moms' board are in families of a similar income level to you? They may be intimidated by the name brands, neighborhood, house square footage, etc. I would take the playdate comment to be more about neighborhood than about your outfit posts.

  I think what you're running into is a proactive approach to dealing with judging that they assume you'll be doing. They're putting up their armour before you have a chance to put them down. Of course you're not judging them, but women can be pretty darn hard on each other and they're making assumptions of you based on past scars. Try not to take it personally, it's their baggage, not yours.

• ironkurtin replied 11 years ago

  "...I don't want first impressions of me to be negative ones because of the way I dress (if they think I'm overdressed)."

  Natalie - You cannot control what other people think no matter what you wear. Letting what you *think* other people *might* be thinking rule your life and dictate how you act and dress is a sure road to absolute misery. So you might as well dress to make yourself happy!

• Isabel replied 11 years ago

  Sona...great article. Thanks for the link !!!

• Kari replied 11 years ago

  Sona, high five! I was literally just about to search for that very article.

• replied 11 years ago

  You're such a fire-starter, GP! Sounds to me like Yoga Mom and Scrubs Mom were just trying to make themselves feel better about how *they* looked.

  Change the analogy to housekeeping. Two friends come over to your house for coffee. They remark how clean your house is. You say, "Thanks, I've found this great website that shows you how to keep up your house with a minimum of effort every day; I just love it!" And they laugh (because their houses are in shambles) and say, "House cleaning is overrated!" So really, it's more about them than it is about you.

  That said, I just read a very interesting little book called How to Dress For Success by Edith Head. It was originally published in 1967, but was re-released last year. She talked about scoping out a new situation to see what the "accepted look" was (she was a Hollywood costume designer). She recommended doing this with your kids' schools, a place where you might want to get hired, or any new situation. THEN, from there you can come up with a look that's still *you* but also situation appropriate. She talked about using your costume to "fit in make people like you".

  I know that might seem like an antiquated idea, not PC at all. I think most of us dress primarily for ourselves and our own happiness. But I am guilty of adopting a more casual style than is my favorite, simply to look like I come from the same planet as the people around me, lol! And the people that know me, know fashion has become and interest of mine and the comments like, "Well aren't YOU all gussied up!" have dried up at last. It's up to you whether you want to dial it down a notch, but either way, I hope you form some great friendships with the other moms and get the whole play date thing going on. I know how important that can be! <<hugs>>

• HelenInCanada replied 11 years ago

  Are you kidding, GP? That comment was rude, no bones about it. If she's THAT insensitive and clueless, do you really WANT to befriend her? I would be offended and hurt - and unless she's dim as rocks, she should know that was an insulting thing to say. Acquaintance, fine. Friend? Highly doubtful.

• Chippy Mia replied 11 years ago

  I wouldn't let yoga mom's comment affect you too much. I don't think you should intrepret it as mean hearted or rude just on that one incident. I agree with echo and clearlyclaire about the comment being more about herself than about you.

  I have a close friend who thinks fashion is overrated but I don't think she is being mean about it. We are still friends despite our differences in clothes. Sometimes I think fashion is overated especially then nothing fits right lol.

  Regarding the schoolground mom groups, I've been there. People do form opinions based on appearances, just be friendly and use a school/class event to start up a conversation.

• Kari replied 11 years ago

  Natalie, this is a good related article too: http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....ntent.html

  'The core of the idea is that human beings are not inherently malicious, conniving creatures and that most of our ideas and actions are well-intentioned. Even many of the ones that SEEM spiteful and rude are often driven by positively-fueled emotions like concern, compassion, and curiosity. Obviously, some people are just assholes. And some non-assholes occasionally make asshole moves. But to me, “assume positive intent” doesn’t mean, “Be a naive fool who trusts everyone to be filled with Mother Teresa-level compassion.” It means, “Try to examine sentiments and actions from multiple perspectives before allowing yourself to feel hurt or offended.”'

  'But faced with the same situation today, I hope I could be more dispassionate. I could say to myself, “This person is making a lot of assumptions about me and voicing his opinions in an invasive way. On some level, he thinks he’s helping me. I’ll avoid him from now on, but it’s not worth my energy to worry about his statements or bother with hating him.”'

  I'm not saying that the mother wasn't being catty and rude and wrong, or that you aren't justified in feeling hurt, though. Just that Sally's advice about assuming positive intent has really helped me to allow passive-aggressive comments to roll off my back more than I did in the past.

• CocoLion replied 11 years ago

  I am sorry this woman was rude and hurt your feelings. I would have felt hurt as well. You look fabulous and don't change anything about your style to fit in! You are on the right track with smiling and being friendly.

• Gaylene replied 11 years ago

  While it's always tempting to respond to an ill-mannered remark by calling the speaker an "idiot" (or words to that effect), I think that Chrizzle and cjh are on the right track. It's easier to make a critical-sounding comment than it is to admit to feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. If yoga mom is having a difficult time coping with the demands of her life, her comment is probably more a reflection of her own feelings than an objective assessment of your appearance.

  I also think that Claire makes a very good point. While dressing to please oneself is important, it may not always be the only consideration. Whether we like it or not, people form opinions based on the way someone is dressed. Choosing an outfit that feels like "you" but helps you fit in with the other moms might make the "getting to know you" stage a bit easier. Most of us do this instinctively when we dress for certain social situations or job interviews. Maybe think of dressing this way as a fashion challenge?

• Heather replied 11 years ago

  Natalie, totally forget that rude comment. Be your wonderful self as always and if certain snarky mothers do not want to be your friend, well, then I am certain YOU do not wish your daughter to be around their daughters. Fruit tends to fall very close to the tree.

  I think your outfit looks AMAZING.

• Echo replied 11 years ago

  Chrizzle has some wise words, IMO. I think we've all sometimes made comments - perhaps out of nervousness or defensiveness or just plain social awkwardness - that we later regretted. Perhaps Ms. UnSnazzy is aware of her faux pas and is now kicking herself. If we don't want others to judge us harshly, we might want to be careful about judging them permanently by one comment. If she is a terrible person she will show it again and again, but if this was an unfortuante one-off, she might be a decent person who just stuck her foot in her mouth. Give her another chance, or at least don't avoid her or be rude to her for now. You will know soon whether she meant to be hurtful or not.

  And while we all dislike encountering rude people, that is important information, too. And you potentially know who you DON'T want your DD being friends with!

• goldenpig replied 11 years ago

  Wow, so many words of wisdom to savor! Thanks to all of you for your sage advice and words of support! I am planning to give Yoga Pants Mom the benefit of the doubt and assume positive (or at least neutral) intent and not worry about her comment anymore. At the time I was too taken aback to say anything, I just laughed and nodded. But hopefully it's not a big deal and we'll all have forgotten about it the next time we talk. I don't have a problem with people wearing yoga pants...I probably would too if I had a nice pair. Anyhow, it might be a moot point because she has a son and my daughter is getting to that age where she prefers to play with girls. It's interesting how the classroom groups are starting to segregate into groups of girls and groups of boys playing together, much more so than in preschool last year. I guess that's a natural part of development.

  Alicat, I love that quote. And Sona, thank you for the link to Sal's article on what to say, that was very helpful. Anne, you're right, I wouldn't act dumber just to fit in. Chrizzle, I agree, I have stuck my foot in my mouth plenty of times so I won't hold it against her! Lemonade--well my house is sometimes a huge mess, but with two young kids, that can't be helped, LOL! Andrea and others, thanks for sticking up for the word snazzy. I think I will reclaim that title and instead of being offended, take it as a compliment that she considers me a "snazzy" dresser! Look for an upcoming "WIW: Snazzy" post! LOL! Thanks again everyone for your comments! I've read them all several times and they make me feel all warm and fuzzy! YLF is such a great community!

• MNsara replied 11 years ago

  Wow! This is quite the discussion! I love all the wise words you've gotten here, and know that you are a capable, smart young woman who will find her way through this ;-)

  In the meantime, I found Kyle's link to be pretty interesting and funny. I kept browsing, got back into older posts, and found this one -- and aren't those your pants in the 2nd pic?'

  http://www.hautedropoff.com/20.....pring.html

  Be sure to read the caption and her funny comments about making the floral pants 'appropriate for drop-off' . . . what a strange world it has become!

  Makes me happy those days are gone in my house -- I would have been in yoga gear, I'm sure -- hopefully I would NOT have flapped my lips with a snarky comment about anyone else though!

• goldenpig replied 11 years ago

  LOL Kyle and MNSara, that website is so funny!! And yes those floral pants are like what I was wearing! Who knew there was a whole website devoted to school drop-off fashion! Hilarious!

• RandomThoughts (Andrea) replied 11 years ago

  OMG, "appropriate for drop-off"???? What the heck? I did not know there was a dress code. LOL

  Of course, I was one of the loserific walk to schoolers.

• Vicki replied 11 years ago

  In your photo, you're wearing some really cute aqua pumps. Are these your KS ones, Natalie? I really like them and they go so well with your entire outfit. Are they comfy?

• replied 11 years ago

  My first reaction is that she spoke out of jealousy that you were better dressed than she. I may be mistaken, but I think most comments like this stem from insecurities. Why else would she have said such a thing? I doubt there was any positive intent, but it's best to take the high road and not worry about it. Meanwhile, keep dressing nicely. If you're like me, you wouldn't feel comfortable going to your DD's school in athletic wear anyway. I never did, and I was a SAHM for many years. It's really no excuse to dress sloppily. And yes, thank goodness for Stacey and Clinton reminding people that there are rules.

• Meredith1953 replied 11 years ago

  Even if she knowingly made the snarky comment, it doesn't change the fact that some people will ALWAYS try to drag others down to the lowest common denominator. If they like to dress down in the extreme, they may feel that others are being "stuck up" for wearing nice clothing. People make judgements out of envy and insecurity. You took the high road and that is always a class act. Just as classy as the way you dress!

• Classically Casual replied 11 years ago

  Well, I'll just add that these women better get a grip! Parents are going to arrive at their kid's school from work, from play & everything in between. Life is too short to worry about this stuff. Maybe since the start of kindergarten is looming they're feeling separation anxiety & lashing out at nicely dressed, friendly parents for some deep seated psychological reason. LOL

• goldenpig replied 11 years ago

  Vicki, yes those are the Kate Spade Shelly pumps in turquoise. I would say they are comfortable enough, but not comfort shoes. There's not really much padding. I would call them "office" shoes because I can wear them for a day at the office where I'm sitting while seeing patients, and standing for a couple hours while doing procedures, and walking short distances. But I wouldn't wear them to my long on-call at the hospital days where I'm walking up and down the halls all day. For those if I wear pumps it has to be my old lower-heeled Clarks or Easy Spirit pumps. The ones that I bought pre-YLF seem to be much more comfortable than my post-YLF purchases, although those newer ones definitely attract much more attention!